I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
