Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Randomize
