I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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