I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
