chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
