And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
