He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
