I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
