fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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