Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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