The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
