I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize