She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
