It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
