Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
