remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
