no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Randomize
