Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
