you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Bring me that man meat
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
