I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
