can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I came so hard my ears popped.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
