had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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