soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize