I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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