He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You are the jesus of drinking
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
