the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I am in a vortex of obligation.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
