I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
