she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
