You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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