Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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