Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Can you repeat that, but with context?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
