i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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