how can u be prego again
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Randomize
