You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
