A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
