is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
