im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
