someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
