I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize