Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
