I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
