A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
