just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
