Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
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