I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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