she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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