we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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