new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i drank out of a bidet.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
