I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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