Yeah....I really appreciate it....I didn't even get it from hooking up....lame, atleast if a girl gets u sick when u r hooking up it was fun in its inception...
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
