I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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