Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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