Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
