you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Holy sore nipples Batman
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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