Where did you get a picture of my penis
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
