I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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