No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
