I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
