Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
