I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
