come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
