first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
