def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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