she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
