i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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