dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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