Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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