this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
The Olympian is in my bed
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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