im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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