Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
