Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
