Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
