you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
